If I could time travel

If there was such a thing as time travel, or a Ghost of Christmas Past to take me through all my years, I know exactly what I'd love to do.

I so wish that I could go observe just a regular old day in every year in my life, to see what it was like - or better yet, walk around in my younger self's skin. Wouldn't that be so cool? This is especially true because I feel like I have a much worse memory than other people do.

What was I like as a toddler - was I happy, or a pain, or somewhere in between? In elementary school when we had to learn square dancing (I wish I were kidding) and was so nervous that I might get matched up with Stacy Beinbacker, the cutest boy in class....exactly how dorky was I (spoiler alert....likely pretty darn dorky)? Even when I went for my one semester at Radford....what was that really like? I know for certain I didn't give it a fair chance, but what were my days like?

But even more than looking back at myself, I'd like to re-do a day in each year of the kids' lives. When you're in the thick of it, it feels SO hard and like whatever challenge you're currently facing - a baby who cries unless you stand up holding him, a preschooler who yells at you when she would prefer you park the car somewhere other than where you have - will never end. But all things do. Watching families when we're out an about, I feel like I would be so much more patient with things if I had them to do over. It's hard being a kid, with no control over anything, ever! And I was forever saying "hurry up, come here, let's go" -- I should have slowed down more. It turns out everything is so fleeting.

That old cliche "the days are slow, but the years fly by" couldn't be more true.

Grandma

Janet Ann Patton Allder left this world just after midnight on June 26.

Celebrating our birthdays together,
along with watching the
Super Bowl, this past February.

When she was diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma in 2012, she was told she wouldn't make it five years. She had major surgery to "remove the whole funhouse" as she put it in her own special way - her uterus and ovaries. After five years, her doctor said she was "cured" and he was as shocked as anyone that she was still going strong. But with some medical issues in 2018 (she had to have part of her intestine removed due to a blockage, likely a result of the surgery she'd had) we learned she wasn't really in the clear from the cancer. It had returned, this time in her lungs.

She had a great attitude about it, and just went on living her life, but getting things in order. For quite a while there were still no symptoms. But when the symptoms started a month or so ago, they came on quick. She went from being totally at peace with knowing she'd be dying, to being really afraid of what her death might look like from a lung cancer that made it very hard for her to catch her breath. Wanda lined up hospice care, finally getting the in-home help that she needed with Grandma.

On the afternoon of June 21, the weekday hospice nurse told Wanda that she didn't think Grandma would make it until her next scheduled visit the following Monday. So we all gathered 'round. Stevie and Nikki drove up from North Carolina with Bowen and brand new baby Nate. Cristie flew in from Texas. We all spent pretty much the entire weekend with Grandma, who had said she didn't want to be alone. So many family members there, and Grandma's friends coming to say their goodbyes as well. It was remarkable how many close friends she had at 89 years old! One she'd been friends with since they were 3, even.

At Luau Gardens, which was the fanciest restaurant we ever
went to (though that's not saying much - we never went out to
dinner with Mom). It was a special occasion for sure. 

It's weird to say this under the circumstances, but we had a great time together. It was so wonderful to be around all the family – it was kind of like being at the river or on vacation with them, just with nowhere to be and nothing to do but take turns talking with Grandma. We shared stories and memories with her and listened to music with her – she was on a big Travis Tritt kick for the last several months. And she told each of us that she was at peace, and for me that was all that really mattered.

As her breathing became harder, the hospice nurses would give her more medications to ease her anxiety and pain. There were so many times we thought the end was coming, but then she'd pop back up and when you next returned, you'd find her out of bed and sitting in a chair in her room. And she was still cracking jokes through that time – once when she woke after we all thought she might not, Wanda asked her "Mom, how do you feel?" and she missed only a half a beat before she replied "With my fingers." I am grateful to have been there in that moment! She always had good one-liners – the most fitting being "getting old ain't for sissies." She sure was tough.

Holding her hand near the end.

It all blurs together but I think Monday was the last time she was awake. It took too much medication to keep her out of pain. Tuesday night a bunch of us sat with her, telling stories, reading scripture, playing music, watching her breaths come less and less often, and telling her it was okay to go, that we would miss her but we would all be fine. Around midnight, Katie and I left Wanda and Nikki to keep watch. It wasn't that much longer before she passed on. I think maybe she was waiting for all of us to quit yammering on and talking to her, and give her some peace and quiet!

Not many people still have a Grandma around when they're 48 - the benefit of her having my Mom at age 21, and then my Mom having me at not even 20. I'm very grateful that our kids got to really know their great-grandmother, and for a long time. And she was so much a part of Wanda's grandkids' lives in the years since Granddaddy died – what a treasure! I think Mitchell will be the only one who will really remember her, but all the kids will be able to look back at the pictures and clearly see how much they loved Grandma and how much she loved them.

Grandma and Granddaddy Allder took us,
along with Nana, to Disney
when I was about 4 or 5.

Jennifer and I logged a LOT of time with both sets of our grandparents, really. When it was Dad's weekend to have us in the early years before he married Lois, he lived with his parents so we were really mostly with them since he worked nights and slept during the days. And Mom worked two jobs (and also sometimes had date nights) so we would stay with the Allders. Grandma is mostly famous now in our family for her gravy, but she also made the world's best scrambled eggs and pot roast. We also would get Klondike bars at her house - no such treasures as that at home! She loved music, and had tons of records. Wanda says she remembers that Grandma – a full-time working mother – would come home on Friday night, put on music, and start cleaning. (Not coincidentally, that's what our Mom did too in the early years!) Grandma ironed everything – Granddaddy's work clothes, his undershirts, even his underwear!! Not to mention that she ironed the sheets. Those were the days, huh? I remember talking with her about cooking. She said there were no recipes back then, you just had a meat and a side and some bread.

This is how I remember her looking
when I was a kid – so beautiful!

Grandma was meticulous about her hair, getting it done every week or so and then keeping it nice. She even had her hairdresser come to the house in her last days, and again at the funeral home (though we were the only ones to see her there). She always wore a scarf over her hair back then, or a plastic head scarf kind of thing – like a rain jacket, but for your hair. She didn't want her hair getting messed up! I also really remember her popping her chewing gum all the time. We spent a fair amount of time with them at their "farm" in Stanley, where we were every bit as bored as Mom and Wanda were when they went there as kids. She had what she called her favorite Christmas ever the time we all went up there for the holiday – I was maybe 4 years old. She loved having us all there.

It's a minor miracle, and
definitely a sign that she wasn't
feeling her best, that I beat her
in our second to last game.
She pretty much always won!

In the last several years of her life, she became a master of the online Scrabble-like game, Words with Friends. And a bit of an addict, getting twitchy if she went too long without responding to her many games. She was very good at it, and even said playing it late in the evening somehow helped with her restless leg.

Wanda and her kids put in a lot of work taking care of Grandma over the past several years. She could mostly do for herself, but she did need help with getting her compression stockings on and off every day, an artifact of her surgery in 2012. And Wanda was mostly tethered to the house, especially in the last year. She cared for her mother as well as Grandma cared for Nana in her final years. Now I hope that Wanda will be able to get back to her life, the travel she wants to do, and even just spending more time at the river house.

Though we knew it was coming, and she certainly lived a good, long life at 89, it is still odd to think she's not in our world any longer. But she is pain-free, feeling good, probably wearing her short shorts, and back together with her husband, my mother, and so many more loved ones and friends who went before. I will really miss her.

Here is her official obituary:

Janet Patton Allder, age 89, passed peacefully on Tuesday, June 26, 2019 in her home town of Herndon, Virginia. Preceded by her parents, Arthur J. and Lena Patton, sister Annie Fehrs (Harold), brother A. Gordon Patton Sr. (Nellie), beloved husband of 63 years Richard Lee Allder and their daughter Virginia “Ginger” Strickland. Survived by her brother James L. “Ding” Patton (Nobbie), daughter Wanda Mitchell (Steve) and son-in-law Jim Strickland. She was blessed with six grandchildren: Jennifer (Mark), Lara (Tod), Cristie (Brandon), Nikki, Katie (David), Stevie (Nikki) and 12 great-grandchildren: Aly, Kyla, Reed, Amy, Mitchell, Jay, Lena, Colton, Sierra, Crosby, Bowen and Nate. A host of other family and friends will cherish her memory.

Born in Herndon on February 1, 1930, Janet graduated from Herndon High School in 1946. She started her 30-year career with the Chesapeake and Potomac Telephone Company of Virginia, as a switchboard operator for Herndon. She retired as a switchman, among the first women in the field. Her family and her faith were her greatest passions in life. She surrounded herself with crosses to symbolize her beliefs and gained spiritual guidance from the ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley.  She enjoyed walking, music, being at her farm in Stanley, the color purple and Gone with the Wind.

Ever graceful, Janet was a friend and grandma to all. She made all around her feel like her favorite. Challengers from across the country were humbled by her in Words with Friends. Jigsaw puzzles occupied her time, kept her mind sharp and allowed her to bond with those around her. She provided a positive example of living with style and showcasing a well put together southern woman. The power of her presence has impressed generations.

Family will receive guests on Tuesday, July 9, from 5 to 8 p.m., with funeral service Wednesday, July 10 at 11 a.m., both at Adams-Green Funeral Home, 721 Elden Street, Herndon, VA. All are invited to a reception at the Mitchell’s home after the service. In lieu of flowers, donations suggested to Team Ginger at the National Brain Tumor Society/Accelerate Brain Cancer Cure: http://bit.ly/janet-allder

'Cause you're so smooth...

Driving home from dinner the other night, this song came on the Pop2K channel we randomly had on...

And to my surprise, Reed was singing along!

Me: "How do you know this song?"

Reed: "Because I have taste."

Well then!

Happy Mother's Day to me

Mother's Day is tough for me. Well, actually all of May is, though it's gotten easier in the nearly 9 years since my Mom died. This year I even made it through the Race for Hope without a lot of trauma – the rainy, miserable weather actually helped because we got in and got out without a lot of time to reflect. Then Mother's Day comes, and then the anniversary of Mom's death on May 26.

I'm always glad when we flip the calendar to June.

This year I told the family I didn't really want any gifts. The only thing I wanted was for them to make me my favorite coffee cake and to watch a movie with me. Tod took care of the coffee cake (so good!). There weren't any good movies in theaters, so I had to choose something to watch at home.

I came the realization recently that somehow we'd never shared this classic with them...Wayne's World.

So that's what I picked! And the movie holds up surprisingly well, 27 years (WHAT?) later. Both kids laughed through the whole thing, but I think Reed especially found it entertaining. It was so nice for all of us to enjoy something together – that's really all I wanted for Mother's Day!

Amy did a drawing for me to hang in the kitchen, which is lovely...

Oh, and Reed went grocery shopping on Mother's Day to hang out with me. I'll take it.

French Toast

Sometimes Reed goes to the grocery store with me on Sunday mornings, when he's really super bored. He's not too bad about asking to get a million things, but he does ask for a thing or two sometimes.

A couple of weeks ago we were shopping and he asked what was in French Toast, so I told him the basic ingredients. All we were missing was a good bread to use, so we decided to get some and plan to have it for a "breakfast for dinner" that week. He'd had a ridiculous order of French Toast when we were in Virginia Beach over spring break, so that's probably why it was on his mind.

But then there was an evening when he was on his own for dinner, with Amy at play practice, and Tod and me out wherever. That night when he went to bed, he very proudly told me he'd made himself French Toast for dinner. He's a good cook, and willing to try new things...which always impresses me.

Boss lady

Last year Amy was co-stage manager with Lily, but to hear Amy tell it, Lily really didn't do much. This year, the role was all hers as her middle school put on Disney's Little Mermaid. It was a bit of a tough row to hoe, but she persevered.

Amy with some of her crew, and CJ.

The teachers who run the play, Ms. Reardon (home ec teacher) and Mr. K (art teacher), are basically volunteers in their roles with the play, and the rehearsals last for months and months. Reardon, in my opinion, overreached with many aspects of this production, which made things far more stressful than they needed to be. By tech week (the week before the play), Amy was so very stressed, she basically fell apart when she got home after rehearsals. They hadn't even rehearsed the show in its entirety before opening night, so obviously stage crew hadn't had a chance to run through their responsibilities, much less get good at them. It's not like one of the actors, who can run through their music and lines basically anywhere, anytime....they need the whole kit and caboodle in order to practice their "stage crew-ing." She also felt really responsible for her crew, one of whom was her good friend Molly who she'd talked into participating – no one was having fun. The stage crew wasn't getting breaks, and they were afraid to ask for one for fear they'd get yelled at (which was apparently a reasonable thing to worry about).

It's tough when your kids get in a situation like this. It was hard to restrain myself from getting involved, but I'm glad I didn't. Instead we listened with a sympathetic ear, talked her through it, and did our best to help her think of solutions that she felt comfortable trying. Ultimately she was able to stand up for her crew a little bit, and felt good about that.

Ultimately, I think the teachers knew that stage crew could use an adult hand, because one of Mr. K's friends (CJ) jumped in on the day of the show, and he helped out for all four shows – I think that was a huge help to them.

In the end, there were some bumps for the stage crew, and Amy felt it went better than she feared, but not as well as she wanted it to. There were some minor mishaps with big set pieces being left on stage, which meant Amy had to run out and retrieve them even though the next scene had begun. Oopsies. All the actors did a great job, so I guess they didn't need as much rehearsal time as it seemed!

I think the other kids clearly knew Amy was stressed, and her old friend Morgan decided on the last day that she'd get a poster board to have all the kids write thank you messages to Amy. She nearly caught them before the final show, but they managed to keep it semi-secret (which made her very anxious, not knowing what was coming). It was a very sweet gesture.

After it was all said and done, these kids were all so emotional, they cried through their entire cast party. They all acted as if they'd never see each other again, not like they'd be back at school together in two days! During the party, Morgan stood on a table to make a big "thank you" to Amy, which ended with all the kids chanting her name.

I think Amy is partly relieved it's over, but probably a little sad too. And now that it's been a success, she somehow has forgotten how very miserable she was. (Meanwhile, I'm still mad at how she was mistreated!)

Amy's old Girl Scout leader Jill would always tell me that Amy is a good leader, and that seems to be true. She certainly took it to heart for this play, and tried to always give her crew the positive feedback that they weren't getting from the adults. And she had us give each of them "star grams" (little supportive notes parents pay to have delivered to the cast/crew, along with candy and/or a flower). She is very concerned that the younger kids didn't have a positive experience, as she really wants them to continue with theater next year.

So now we're working on getting back to a more normal schedule, which is a relief to all of us!

14!

Our baby girl has turned 14! She said somehow she didn't feel like a teenager at 13, but at 14 she does.

She is still as obsessively into Broadway musicals as ever, and still spends hours every day drawing, mostly on her computer. She's got all the moodiness of a teenager, that's for sure. Amy is still into fairness and equality and does her best to speak up for others when she sees things that aren't right.

She is the sole stage manager for her middle school play this year, they're doing Little Mermaid. They're just getting into high gear, which means rehearsals six days a week. She just had her first meeting with the crew, where she was in charge – she doesn't feel all that comfortable in a leadership role, but her Girl Scout leaders always said she does a good job with it, and I'm sure she does.

Unlike Reed, Amy is one who will sleep in like a teenager - and she really needs sleep. We have always made sure she gets enough sleep, because if she doesn't, it's really not fun for any of us!

Amy rejoined Girl Scouts a few months ago, when she realized one of her pals' moms was the leader of a troop that she could be part of. So far she's enjoying that, and the troop is a much better fit than her old one ever was.

She cares a lot about her grades, but sometimes really isn't interested in putting in extra work for subjects she doesn't like. Spanish continues to be her trouble spot, since she got another teacher this year who's not a great fit with her. But her "struggling" means she's got a B+ – and it's a bit frustrating because she's so close to an A. Otherwise her grades are pretty amazing. She is really ready for high school, I think. And she's excited since she'll be taking a theater class, and she'll have the chance to be involved as many as four shows per year.

For her birthday, just like at Christmas, she didn't really want any "stuff" – she just wanted to go to see shows in NY. She and I are taking the bus up on the Friday before Easter, seeing a new play called "Hadestown" that night, then seeing "Come From Away" on Saturday, and hopping the bus back. Should be fun!

Amy is a terrific kid, and it's a pleasure to be her family.