Grandma

Janet Ann Patton Allder left this world just after midnight on June 26.

Celebrating our birthdays together,
along with watching the
Super Bowl, this past February.

When she was diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma in 2012, she was told she wouldn't make it five years. She had major surgery to "remove the whole funhouse" as she put it in her own special way - her uterus and ovaries. After five years, her doctor said she was "cured" and he was as shocked as anyone that she was still going strong. But with some medical issues in 2018 (she had to have part of her intestine removed due to a blockage, likely a result of the surgery she'd had) we learned she wasn't really in the clear from the cancer. It had returned, this time in her lungs.

She had a great attitude about it, and just went on living her life, but getting things in order. For quite a while there were still no symptoms. But when the symptoms started a month or so ago, they came on quick. She went from being totally at peace with knowing she'd be dying, to being really afraid of what her death might look like from a lung cancer that made it very hard for her to catch her breath. Wanda lined up hospice care, finally getting the in-home help that she needed with Grandma.

On the afternoon of June 21, the weekday hospice nurse told Wanda that she didn't think Grandma would make it until her next scheduled visit the following Monday. So we all gathered 'round. Stevie and Nikki drove up from North Carolina with Bowen and brand new baby Nate. Cristie flew in from Texas. We all spent pretty much the entire weekend with Grandma, who had said she didn't want to be alone. So many family members there, and Grandma's friends coming to say their goodbyes as well. It was remarkable how many close friends she had at 89 years old! One she'd been friends with since they were 3, even.

At Luau Gardens, which was the fanciest restaurant we ever
went to (though that's not saying much - we never went out to
dinner with Mom). It was a special occasion for sure. 

It's weird to say this under the circumstances, but we had a great time together. It was so wonderful to be around all the family – it was kind of like being at the river or on vacation with them, just with nowhere to be and nothing to do but take turns talking with Grandma. We shared stories and memories with her and listened to music with her – she was on a big Travis Tritt kick for the last several months. And she told each of us that she was at peace, and for me that was all that really mattered.

As her breathing became harder, the hospice nurses would give her more medications to ease her anxiety and pain. There were so many times we thought the end was coming, but then she'd pop back up and when you next returned, you'd find her out of bed and sitting in a chair in her room. And she was still cracking jokes through that time – once when she woke after we all thought she might not, Wanda asked her "Mom, how do you feel?" and she missed only a half a beat before she replied "With my fingers." I am grateful to have been there in that moment! She always had good one-liners – the most fitting being "getting old ain't for sissies." She sure was tough.

Holding her hand near the end.

It all blurs together but I think Monday was the last time she was awake. It took too much medication to keep her out of pain. Tuesday night a bunch of us sat with her, telling stories, reading scripture, playing music, watching her breaths come less and less often, and telling her it was okay to go, that we would miss her but we would all be fine. Around midnight, Katie and I left Wanda and Nikki to keep watch. It wasn't that much longer before she passed on. I think maybe she was waiting for all of us to quit yammering on and talking to her, and give her some peace and quiet!

Not many people still have a Grandma around when they're 48 - the benefit of her having my Mom at age 21, and then my Mom having me at not even 20. I'm very grateful that our kids got to really know their great-grandmother, and for a long time. And she was so much a part of Wanda's grandkids' lives in the years since Granddaddy died – what a treasure! I think Mitchell will be the only one who will really remember her, but all the kids will be able to look back at the pictures and clearly see how much they loved Grandma and how much she loved them.

Grandma and Granddaddy Allder took us,
along with Nana, to Disney
when I was about 4 or 5.

Jennifer and I logged a LOT of time with both sets of our grandparents, really. When it was Dad's weekend to have us in the early years before he married Lois, he lived with his parents so we were really mostly with them since he worked nights and slept during the days. And Mom worked two jobs (and also sometimes had date nights) so we would stay with the Allders. Grandma is mostly famous now in our family for her gravy, but she also made the world's best scrambled eggs and pot roast. We also would get Klondike bars at her house - no such treasures as that at home! She loved music, and had tons of records. Wanda says she remembers that Grandma – a full-time working mother – would come home on Friday night, put on music, and start cleaning. (Not coincidentally, that's what our Mom did too in the early years!) Grandma ironed everything – Granddaddy's work clothes, his undershirts, even his underwear!! Not to mention that she ironed the sheets. Those were the days, huh? I remember talking with her about cooking. She said there were no recipes back then, you just had a meat and a side and some bread.

This is how I remember her looking
when I was a kid – so beautiful!

Grandma was meticulous about her hair, getting it done every week or so and then keeping it nice. She even had her hairdresser come to the house in her last days, and again at the funeral home (though we were the only ones to see her there). She always wore a scarf over her hair back then, or a plastic head scarf kind of thing – like a rain jacket, but for your hair. She didn't want her hair getting messed up! I also really remember her popping her chewing gum all the time. We spent a fair amount of time with them at their "farm" in Stanley, where we were every bit as bored as Mom and Wanda were when they went there as kids. She had what she called her favorite Christmas ever the time we all went up there for the holiday – I was maybe 4 years old. She loved having us all there.

It's a minor miracle, and
definitely a sign that she wasn't
feeling her best, that I beat her
in our second to last game.
She pretty much always won!

In the last several years of her life, she became a master of the online Scrabble-like game, Words with Friends. And a bit of an addict, getting twitchy if she went too long without responding to her many games. She was very good at it, and even said playing it late in the evening somehow helped with her restless leg.

Wanda and her kids put in a lot of work taking care of Grandma over the past several years. She could mostly do for herself, but she did need help with getting her compression stockings on and off every day, an artifact of her surgery in 2012. And Wanda was mostly tethered to the house, especially in the last year. She cared for her mother as well as Grandma cared for Nana in her final years. Now I hope that Wanda will be able to get back to her life, the travel she wants to do, and even just spending more time at the river house.

Though we knew it was coming, and she certainly lived a good, long life at 89, it is still odd to think she's not in our world any longer. But she is pain-free, feeling good, probably wearing her short shorts, and back together with her husband, my mother, and so many more loved ones and friends who went before. I will really miss her.

Here is her official obituary:

Janet Patton Allder, age 89, passed peacefully on Tuesday, June 26, 2019 in her home town of Herndon, Virginia. Preceded by her parents, Arthur J. and Lena Patton, sister Annie Fehrs (Harold), brother A. Gordon Patton Sr. (Nellie), beloved husband of 63 years Richard Lee Allder and their daughter Virginia “Ginger” Strickland. Survived by her brother James L. “Ding” Patton (Nobbie), daughter Wanda Mitchell (Steve) and son-in-law Jim Strickland. She was blessed with six grandchildren: Jennifer (Mark), Lara (Tod), Cristie (Brandon), Nikki, Katie (David), Stevie (Nikki) and 12 great-grandchildren: Aly, Kyla, Reed, Amy, Mitchell, Jay, Lena, Colton, Sierra, Crosby, Bowen and Nate. A host of other family and friends will cherish her memory.

Born in Herndon on February 1, 1930, Janet graduated from Herndon High School in 1946. She started her 30-year career with the Chesapeake and Potomac Telephone Company of Virginia, as a switchboard operator for Herndon. She retired as a switchman, among the first women in the field. Her family and her faith were her greatest passions in life. She surrounded herself with crosses to symbolize her beliefs and gained spiritual guidance from the ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley.  She enjoyed walking, music, being at her farm in Stanley, the color purple and Gone with the Wind.

Ever graceful, Janet was a friend and grandma to all. She made all around her feel like her favorite. Challengers from across the country were humbled by her in Words with Friends. Jigsaw puzzles occupied her time, kept her mind sharp and allowed her to bond with those around her. She provided a positive example of living with style and showcasing a well put together southern woman. The power of her presence has impressed generations.

Family will receive guests on Tuesday, July 9, from 5 to 8 p.m., with funeral service Wednesday, July 10 at 11 a.m., both at Adams-Green Funeral Home, 721 Elden Street, Herndon, VA. All are invited to a reception at the Mitchell’s home after the service. In lieu of flowers, donations suggested to Team Ginger at the National Brain Tumor Society/Accelerate Brain Cancer Cure: http://bit.ly/janet-allder