Getting deep

This post is kind of random and weirdly organized so keep that in mind. I tried to wind it all together but I'm not sure I was so successful!

Growing up, both Tod and I attended church regularly. Well I guess I should amend that slightly to say that once Mom and Jim got married (I was 10), I attended church regularly. For me, it was semi-torturous. The church we attended, Sterling Park Christian Church, had a small congregation (even smaller now) and I was not fond of the pastor's style of preaching. He was a screamer, and in my mind, religion should have been something loving, not something angry. He also did a lot of literal dissections of the words of scripture, which I got nothing out of. But I dutifully went to church as required every Sunday, dragging myself out of bed to make it to church at the "early" hour of 11 a.m. I made a lot of trips to the bathroom during the service.

When I got married the first time around, when things started going badly, I started attending Leesburg Baptist Church. The pastor there, Alan Stanford, was terrific. His messages were about kindness and love and how the messages in the Bible could be applied in real life situations. Sometimes I felt like his sermons were meant just for me, they hit so close to home. As I went through my divorce, I met with Pastor Stanford a couple of times and it was really helpful to me. I was grateful to have that church home that made me feel less lost in the world. It was really there for me at the right time. However Dr. Stanford left the church for a job with a national Baptist organization, and I never felt the same connection at the church after that, so I stopped attending.

I was so grateful, though, that when Tod and I were preparing to get married, I was able to contact Dr. Stanford and he was available to do our premarital counseling and officiate our wedding. It felt like coming full circle.

As I said, church wasn't a great experience for me growing up. As I've gotten older, I am less and less inclined to believe or subscribe to the Christian faith. There just doesn't seem to be the science to support it. Not that I've studied it extensively but as I understand it the New Testament was written between 15 and 70 years after Jesus' death. That long after something has happened, who remembers it accurately? And then add in multiple language interpretations...how accurate could it be? I have also read that some parts of the Bible might have been written in a way that it would fit prophecies. I don't pretend to know a lot but what I do know makes me skeptical.

So for me, I just try to live a kind life. I wouldn't ever begrudge anyone their faith – I think church and religion are a tremendous support for a lot of people and that's great. If there is a God I hope I won't be judged too harshly for not believing in him/her. And I reserve the right to change my mind. But honestly I don't believe in an "afterlife" other than my belief that when you're gone, you live on in the hearts of the people who loved you.

I get that there's a tremendous sense of community when you belong to a church and I wonder if we're doing our kids a disservice by not attending church. Ultimately I want them to make their own decisions about religion, but I'm really not giving them any information about it as they're growing up, am I? And is there value in the regularity and predictability of ongoing church attendance, even aside from "salvation"? I'm sure there is. I hope we're providing Reed and Amy with that sense of community in other ways – through scouting, for example.

One thing that I've realized as I've grown up is that the traditional gospel songs I listened to (and occasionally sang along with) in church are now comforting sounds from my childhood. I don't particularly ascribe to the messages of the music, since I'm not really a believer, but nonetheless the music feels a bit like an old friend. I have some country/bluegrass gospel music on my iPod and if one of those old standard hymns comes on, like "What a Friend We Have in Jesus," or "Wings of a Dove," or "Amazing Grace" comes on, they have a calming effect. Though the singing in that old Sterling Park Christian Church wasn't terrific (in fact at times it was downright awful! but it was heartfelt), it definitely is dug in to my memory. I worry a little bit that the kids won't ever have those same comforting feelings about hymns. Or perhaps they'll make it to that feeling all on their own one day.

(Don't get me started on the "contemporary" worship services that are popular now, though – I can't stand that music! Way too cult-y sounding for my tastes.)

Well I guess that wraps it up. All over the map but some things I wanted to get "out there"!